When does a Cherished Memory become a painful reminder?

[HelpMyLotus]

I joined this forum a few years back when I was able to buy the car I restored with my father.  He purchased a 1973 TCS in 1987 and we restored/renovated it to a black JPS.  I drove it more than he did.  I took it to prom.  I gave friends rides in high school.  I was the king of the hill.  Then he got in a minor accident and the car was traded for another.  I followed the car's whereabouts and was able to buy it back in 2016.  I did my best to get it sorted and roadworthy but it still isn't quite there.  I had transmission problems and, thanks to the great people of this forum, I was able to source another one.  I had water pump problems and, thanks to this forum, I was able to fix it.  I have oil leak problems and I vow to mend them.  I have wheel bearing problems but I have the parts and vow to repair them too. 

This comes to my next problem.  In February of 2020 my father passed away. He had dementia and didn't even remember the car when I got it.  His loss was hard but given the circumstances it was best that he take a seat in the heavens. 

I have the car sitting in my garage ready for the gasket and wheel bearings.  But my motivation has dwindled.  I'm not the mechanic my dad was.  I can do work, but I don't have all the tools, resources or funds for that matter to make the car what it deserves. I'm considering selling it because it will never bring my dad back and it just isn't the hero of my youth like it was. 

I'm asking for your input.  Not for a value or a threshold, but for your wisdom.  It sounds like most of the readers here are older and have experienced more than I.  Given the circumstances of my life now do you think letting a 'once in a lifetime' car go would be the greatest regret when I am 5 years older? 20 years older?  Is the fact that the turmoil of the world right now is too scary to think ahead to days of fat wallets and full garages?  It's not necessarily the money that I would rather have as much as knowing the car was in the hands of a proper custodian.  Enjoyed often. 

I have other cars.  I have projects that will keep me busy.  The car isn't what it was when I was young. 

I look forward to any and all responses.  I'd love to talk on the phone with ANY of you out there. 


Sincerely, Mark Looman

[lotusfanatic]

Hello Mark,

first off, I'm very sorry that you've lost your father.

I would not sell the car just yet as it may have more sentimental value than you feel for it at the moment?

As you followed the car's whereabouts and then bought it back once before, you may not have that luck a second time around, so perhaps keep it for now and continue to chip away at the issues?
(then, after more time has passed, if you still don't have any further connection/need for it, then consider selling it)

I would be concerned that if you sold it now you may regret that decision in 5 or 20 years, wait for now and I hope that, with time, you feel your motivation return. 

I have PM'd you,

Mark
     

[BDA]

First, let me offer my sincere condolences on the passing of your father. Dementia in a loved one is such a horrible thing to have go through. My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family.

It sounds like whatever the car meant to you when you bought it, it no longer means that now. I think the first thing you need to do is confirm whether that is a true statement. Then you need to decide if it will ever mean what it used to. I suspect those two evaluations will be connected but maybe not. These are issues you need to wrestle with. I don't think anyone should try to influence your assessment, it must come from you.

As you noted in your own words, that car is not your father and you should keep that in mind. Are you feeling any responsibilities surrounding this car?

Do you need to make a decision soon? If not, it might make sense to wait a bit and after the emotions of your father's passing have subsided some and you might be able to think more clearly about it before you decide.

I'd be happy to talk to you about it if you'd like. PM me with your phone number and we can talk.

[HelpMyLotus]

In some ways I'm embarrassed to say that I sold my 1967 Cooper S late last year.  I had the car 17 years.  Through engine rebuilds, carb adjustments, transmission replacements and countless hours under the hood I felt that the vintage car world needed the car more than I did.  I opted for a 2003 Porsche Carrera.  I did this after driving my 2005 Cooper S for 2 years.  It still had the shifter, the sound, the hip style but it didn't have the hassles.   I was able to get in, turn the key and bomb down the highway in 6th gear with ELO blaring from the stereo.  My wife loved it too.  she loved the safety and the fact that it didn't smoke.    I'm a car fan.  I LOVE the feel of a manual gear box.  I LOVE the sound of unfiltered exhaust.   I LOVE the look of the genuine cars but I must admit, the joy of driving trumped the joy of wrenching. 

This brings me right back to the Lotus.  I always said "even if I sell the mini, I still have the Lotus".  Now I'm questioning my membership in the club titled "not just a driver, a wrencher". 

I'm 48 years old.  I'm not dead yet; I know this when I blip the throttle of the 911 under an overpass and my hair stands on end.  When I did this in the Europa it wasn't the same.  Damnit. 

I appreciate the conversation.  Please keep this going.  It may be helpful to both old dudes questioning a sale and young dudes spotting a project.

[EuropaTC]

Hi Mark,

That's a rough period you've been through, not only losing your father to dementia which is harrowing enough, but now passing away. If I were in the same situation my mind would be all over the place.

I can see why the car, with it's family history and connections, becomes something that's a sad reminder.   Anyone would have the same feelings, perfectly understandable.

So what to do ? Personally, unless you need the space or money, I would suggest doing nothing right now.   It might be a few months ago on the calendar but in the grand scheme of things you lost your father yesterday and you will still have raw feelings.     

In 12 months time you might feel completely different, you might look back and think "I want to drive that car my dad had", and if it's not there then you'll regret the lost opportunity.

On the other hand in 12 months you might look at the car gathering dust and think "time to move on".  Someone will get a restoration project that they'll appreciate and you'll no longer have doubts about selling and moving on.

So I'd wait a while and let things settle.   It's not about the car and if it's better or worse to drive than a Porsche/whatever, you can buy loads of faster, better driving & sounding cars. It's about the memories.

Brian

[E Paul]

I second what Mark said...do nothing for a while. When we lost our son, we really only did what we had to. 3 years later, I can enjoy the things we did together and I am glad for the reminders although they can be bittersweet. It took a while to get my feet underneath me. I found it helped sometimes just to touch the things that were the reminders. It would bring a moment of pain, but the tolerance to pain slowly increased. Its just a new normal that you have to adjust to. I am happy now that I did not get rid of the reminders.

[BDA]

I second what Mark said...do nothing for a while. When we lost our son, we really only did what we had to. 3 years later, I can enjoy the things we did together and I am glad for the reminders although they can be bittersweet. It took a while to get my feet underneath me. I found it helped sometimes just to touch the things that were the reminders. It would bring a moment of pain, but the tolerance to pain slowly increased. Its just a new normal that you have to adjust to. I am happy now that I did not get rid of the reminders.

I'm so sorry for your loss... That has to be the worst thing a parent has to endure.

[Rosco5000]

Hi Mark,

I am sorry for your loss.
I am not a wise one by any means and younger than you.  But I have a similar attachment to the Elan+2 my dad and I have restored and had in the family since I was 5.  I would say life changes along the way.  That car was always there in a dismantled state, it survived a move and almost 30 years of dormancy floating between friends garages and eventually our barn under a tarp getting covered in bird poop.
Those were the rough years but the project has been completed and now we are driving the car.  I know for me I made him promise me that he wouldn't get rid of it when it was all apart and seeming like an insurmountable restoration and I wanted to inherit the car no matter what state it was in.  I am a sucker for a car though and I enjoy every car I own and have a hard time parting ways with them no matter what it is.

In this rambling of my situation I would say that I would wait until your emotions are calmed down and then evaluate the situation.  It sounds like the car is a memory of good times and you don't want those memories to be tarnished by the project you will never get too but if it really is something you will want to use, maintain and maybe restore one day to its former glory no matter how long the time line I wouldn't give up on the car just yet.

I really worry about the days you are going through for myself.  I am best friends with my 79 year old Dad and we do a lot together I am 40 and I cherish every memory with him especially the days spent with the cars.
Cheers,
Ross

[literarymadness]

Mark

I sent you a PM.

Wesley

[Mecky]

Hello Mark,

condolences to you for the loss of your father.
My story with the Europa doesn't go so far back in time, but it's also a kind of hertitage from my father's and the car was our shared project. That's why I would never want to sell this car, if I did't have to. But for me there are only positive associations connected with this car. If you have negative feelings and memories when looking at it, that may be a reason to get rid of it. But maybe you are also able to get rid of the negative feelings, after you have gone through emotional processing of the tough period, while your dad was suffering from dementia.

In conclusion, I would suggest to keep the car for another year or so, if you don't have to sell it. If you still have negative associations with it after that time, it seems that this chapter is over and you can sell the car. But if the positive feelings of your youth take back over, you will love to have it kept.

[dakazman]

  Hello Mark,

  My condolences to you and your family.

  Make your decision later, when your ready and on your terms.

Dave Kaczmarek

[HelpMyLotus]

I love when posting something with an open mind I get back exactly what I wanted.  None of you were jerks (thank you for that).  All of you were helpful. 

After two conversations with members here I agree that the timing isn't ideal and the permanent result of selling it may bring painful consequences.

The car has a new fondness lately.  When I view it as a vintage car that brought joy as a teenager it feels more my own.  I don't feel the need to keep it exactly as it was.  The value will never be that of a Ferrari or similar car, but that isn't why I have it. 

Feel free to add to this post.  I enjoy hearing from you.  I enjoy knowing what else is out there. 

[BDA]

It's interesting how your perspective changes, isn't it? I look forward to further posts on how your decision evolves and if you so decide, how your car evolves.

I enjoyed talking with you the other day! If you would like to talk further, give me a call or click on the envelope under my avatar to send me an email.

[EuropaTC]

The value will never be that of a Ferrari or similar car, but that isn't why I have it. 

     Exactly right, and that's how it should be.

We still have the Elan we courted and got married in over 40yrs ago. It's not the fastest car around and it's had several changes to make it more suitable for modern traffic speeds but I'll never sell it.  I came close a few times and even now I could easily sell it and buy a far better Elan if I wanted to, but no. Another Elan would just be another car, it could be a concours winner but it wouldn't be "our" car.

You may feel differently in 12 months, you may not. Whatever happens you'll have made the right decision for now.   

Stick around, chip in with your 2c's worth and at some point when the sun is shining, go drive the car.  And don't forget those essential tools for any Lotus, a credit card and a mobile phone......   

Brian

[BERNIEHUMBER]

HI:
I got my Europa when I was in my early twenties(now latter 60's).
My dad and I worked on the car to get it road worthy.
He showed me how to re and re an engine, set up timing... etc.

Now fast forward to now.The car sits in a ventilated bag in storage as I have other vehicles in our present garage space.
My son and I (he is 30) refitted a Weber 45 side draft on it a while ago.
He finds it hard to believe that I have this attachment to the Europa.
For me it is a bit of a time machine which would be hard for him to fathom.
My son and I worked on his 350Z that just had to have turbos etc.
That car is long gone(breathing easier)as he is married now with a Ford Edge.
I can see a similar situation arising when I am in the home, trying to remember my name and he is wondering what to do with the Europa.